Thursday, November 25, 2010
Today has been hard for me. I'm glad I have made it thru my first Thanksgiving without my husband. It was bittersweet. I had dinner with family and enjoyed it but I kept thinking of last year when Bill was there with me. I sat there and had dinner and "made happy" but inside I just wanted to go off by myself and have a good cry.
It has been 8 months. Eight long and lonely months. I keep busy, I'm not hiding out or living in misery but I am just not whole. I'm not sure I will ever be completely whole again. I am sure that I will heal eventually. It will never be better, but will get easier. Time always heals to a certain extent.
I know one thing, I will be grateful when it has been a year since he passed. That may sound strange but to me it will be the end of all the holidays and major events that I will have gotten thru without him by my side. All those firsts, which is what I call them, are very tiring. Sometimes I feel like all the stuffing has drained out of me.
I did enjoy thinking about how this time last year Bill held Kylie and fed her for the first time. She was around 2 months old. And this year I held her as she tried to play with the food on my plate. And when I started out the door to leave, I turned back for a kiss, and she gave me the sweetest hug. It was all worth it.