Thursday, November 25, 2010

Missing Bill


Today has been hard for me. I'm glad I have made it thru my first Thanksgiving without my husband. It was bittersweet. I had dinner with family and enjoyed it but I kept thinking of last year when Bill was there with me. I sat there and had dinner and "made happy" but inside I just wanted to go off by myself and have a good cry.

It has been 8 months. Eight long and lonely months. I keep busy, I'm not hiding out or living in misery but I am just not whole. I'm not sure I will ever be completely whole again. I am sure that I will heal eventually. It will never be better, but will get easier. Time always heals to a certain extent.

I know one thing, I will be grateful when it has been a year since he passed. That may sound strange but to me it will be the end of all the holidays and major events that I will have gotten thru without him by my side. All those firsts, which is what I call them, are very tiring. Sometimes I feel like all the stuffing has drained out of me.

I did enjoy thinking about how this time last year Bill held Kylie and fed her for the first time. She was around 2 months old. And this year I held her as she tried to play with the food on my plate. And when I started out the door to leave, I turned back for a kiss, and she gave me the sweetest hug. It was all worth it.

5 comments:

Jo Castillo said...

Sigh.... I send you some big hugs. We can't know how it is until ...... I think of you often. With love,

"JeanneG" said...

Thank you Jo. Hugs to you.

ArtistUnplugged said...

Feel your pain, the holidays are the worse and though it will become easier, I think they will be tough for awhile. You will most certainly have a large void in your heart forever but time will probably take away the rawness of it. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Keep counting and watching for those blessings.

Dors said...

The firsts are always the hardest Jeanne. Your doing good and it will get easier. Always hold onto the good memories. They are precious.

Big Hugs.

Teresa said...

I feel for you, knowing only a little of how that ache for a missing person feels. Hugs from NC to CA.